I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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