Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
