I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
