dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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