I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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