I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
