I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
