it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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