I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
