sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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