She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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