im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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