He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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