my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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