I showed him my bush... on skype.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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