I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
