i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
