he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
