I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
