I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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