My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
