I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
