I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
