I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
