She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
