Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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