somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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