Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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