dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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