I faked an abortion last night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
