There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
