what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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