Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
