I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
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if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
