OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
