The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
