i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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