i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
