at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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