Can i not drive my cunt home
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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