Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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