Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
