don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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