I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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