So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
