Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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