my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
