Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
