just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
