well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
