My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
do nipples grow back?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
