First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
