trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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