maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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