Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
