I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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