Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
