I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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