I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
