cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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