Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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