I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
