I hate your face
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
