never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
