I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
