at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
